The crowd roared in unison as the amazing Oprah Winfrey walked across the stage at the Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas. My presence in the hall that day, being in the same room as her, was purely serendipitous and I took none of it for granted. “I had the disease of pleasing people” were her first words and I knew right then she was speaking to me. As I strained my ears to listen to every word she spoke, the crowd, the applause that filled the room and my manager who was sitting next to me, suddenly disappeared into oblivion.

As she began sharing her story, I quickly learned that the journey of the Oprah Winfrey Show ran parallel with her own. At first, much like the rest of us in our early twenties, Oprah was happy, simply to have a job. The show in its early years was primarily decided by the producers, even inviting white nationalists in one of the episodes. But that episode changed everything. From that day on, she confronted the Producers to allow her to decide who came to the show, not because they spewed racial spurs at her throughout the show, or because she felt uncomfortable and targeted, but because she realized she was providing them a platform- to spread hatred and negativity out in the world. That fateful episode helped her realize her purpose in life- to elevate people, and to use her show as a force for good. But merely knowing the direction you want to take your show to fulfill your purpose is not enough. If you are or have ever been a people-pleaser, you will know how challenging it is to refuse. Even for Oprah Winfrey.

For the longest time in my life, I refused to believe that being a people pleaser was even a weakness. I think there is a thin line between compassion and people pleasing. Pleasing behavior arises when compassion spills into worrying about what others think of you. I realized I needed to make a change in my mindset when I started noticing how my actions made me feel. I not only felt negatively towards the favor I unwillingly agreed to do, but also towards the person who asked for it. I started seeing a shift in my own behavior when I made peace with the fact that not everyone will like me, and that was okay. I realized it took too much work to impress everyone and it really came down to giving myself as much importance as I used to give others, if not more. The struggle does not end there, however.

The biggest challenge of being a people pleaser is, dealing with the guilt that follows after you have learned to add ‘no’ to your vocabulary. It is a slow-moving journey and believe it or not, Oprah admitted to struggling with it for years, until she read, ‘The Seat of the Soul’ by Gary Zukav. The revelation that the energy behind what you say and how you say it has power, changed everything for her. For instance, you are asked a favor that you do not wish to do but the classic people pleaser will agree to do it anyway. You may pat yourself on the back for ‘sacrificing’ your feelings to help a friend out but really, by attaching negative sentiments to it, you send out negative energy, so what is the point of doing it at all?!

I was a classic people-pleaser for most of my 28 years of existence, but one fine day, I woke up on the right side of the bed and decided to make some changes. In the hopes that someone, somewhere might find it helpful, here are a few revelations I have had over the years:

1. Accept that you will disappoint people. Not everyone can be or needs to be pleased, and that is more than okay.
2. If there is a voice inside nudging you right before you are about to commit to something unwanted– listen to it!
3. Stop over-analyzing everything! This is the number one reason for that dreaded ‘post-no’ guilt. When you find yourself over-thinking, stop and nip that sucker right in the bud.
4. Saying ‘yes’ does not make you a nice person- if anything, being honest to the person and yourself does.

And, lastly, have patience- this takes time. It took even Oprah Winfrey several years to get to where she is right now. And while everyone’s journey is different, I can promise that when you liberate yourself from the bounds of people-pleasing, the taste of freedom is so sweet, you will never want to look back!